My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
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I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Lmbo
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening