My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Inside you there are two wolves
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.