5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Investing in beetcoin
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.