CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
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The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
God making man in his image was the original selfie
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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