me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”