Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
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Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
secret recipe
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.