Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
i smell a pulitzer
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out