“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*