My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
forgive me baja for i have blast
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
*ernest hemingway voice*
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”