My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last