Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
A double negative is a big no-no.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it