My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*