Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Something Saturday.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
damn he’s good
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
everyone has that one prude friend
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.