Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
sleeping beauty
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
guys i’ve cracked the code
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
describing stardew valley
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!