Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Gross if literal…Liverpool