my name is luke but my friends dont call me
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be