My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
You Might Also Like
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no