*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.