Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.