[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Well, this is awkward
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF