cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*