Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
At least he brought enough for everyone
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Not today, today.
Not today.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions