I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Natural selection at its finest
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.