[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
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*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.