Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
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Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision