“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.