Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
…..pretty much.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though