Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.