Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
You Might Also Like
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Attacked by a mop.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable