I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
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Me sliding into hell like
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.