Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.