So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
You Might Also Like
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
So true for me