Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*