My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
You Might Also Like
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented