[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
This kid is a star!
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
grotesque if literal: baby food
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.