Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes