[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
You Might Also Like
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
notice
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.