Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
yall want some gasoline milk
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.