Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.