Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what