My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.