[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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From my Mom
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
won’t smith
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.