I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Favourite diary entry ever
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X