Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Girl, same.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.