*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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wait.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up