Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
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[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance