Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Yup
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?