I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*