February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
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dutch is not a serious language
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
yeah 😭
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Finally! 😈
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)