Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!